A Review of Public Bathrooms

Just hearing the name makes me cringe. I used to try and never use them, but in my old age it’s become inevitable. I have the bladder of a 3 year old. I guess I should admit that it’s a plus that they at least exist and are available to us, and it definitely could be much, much worse (think South East Asia).

Things I like: They offer girls bonding time, and boys gossip later time. Girls always go and talk the whole way through the event, which I still find kind of odd, but I guess it’s acceptable. Boys go in together, and then don’t talk at all until they exit, and then immediately start talking about whoever/whatever happened while they were in the bathroom. I think boys notice a bit too much (sound, sight, smell) while they’re in there.

They’re a great way to make friends when your stall is out of toilet paper (nothing like an under the partition hand off). But then you always want to take a little longer so you don’t have to face your generous new friend because that would just be crossing the line (here’s to hoping your shoes weren’t memorable).

Some bathrooms afford you the opportunity to use the Xlerator! If you’ve never had the privilege of using one, it’s the air blowing hand dryer that all air blowing hand dryers wish they could be. Your hands are dry in seconds, and it blows so hard that all the skin on your hand gets moved around in funny directions (it kind of makes you want to stick your face underneath it just to see how funny you’d look, like you were on a spaceship or that carnival ride where you get stuck to the walls). And it comes with a 5 year warranty (I looked it up). But really, it’s a joy to use the Xlerator and I’d probably tag it the most efficient public bathroom appliance ever (even better than the automatic flush, because we all know that’s far too inconsistent). If only movie theaters would realize their dire need for the appliance the world would be a better place. Or just put paper towels in the movie theater bathrooms. Because seriously, I didn’t pay 12 dollars to miss half my movie trying to dry my hands under the worlds softest hand dryer, it’s like a mean joke all movie theater owners teamed up and decided to play on the population at large.

Things I would change: They feel so dirty (even when they’re really clean). The thought of someone else’s butt touching anything is gross enough, but thinking about it touching yours is just crossing the line. Which means there are 3 options: Use a toilet seat cover, make your own toilet seat cover, or squat. Each has its own set of issues of course. Using a cover means trying to get it out of the container without ripping it in half, and then once you do, decided if it’s worth still trying to use or grabbing another one (and the whole time you’re thinking “If I stand facing the toilet like this much longer, people are going to start thinking I’m a dude”). And if you opt to make your own toilet seat covering using scraps of toilet paper, I’m relatively confident that you’re getting more germs on you than had you just left it be (though it does give some peace at mind), think about how close your hands are to the seat. And squatting is an art form to never be mastered.

I also hate how sometimes getting toilet paper is a one sided game where your opponent has every advantage, and you’re left crying foul play. Whoever designed the rolls in which the toilet paper goes on in public bathrooms is mean hearted. There is no reason it shouldn’t spin just as it does in your home, but instead it’s stationary, and you must tare small bits at a time to finally make a whole. Or they place it too far to grasp (like on the back of the door and out of reach) so that once you’ve finally reached a functioning position, it’s impossible to get to what you need.

It’s also awkward when you are witness to things that shouldn’t be happening in a public bathroom stall: People talking on their phones, is the call (or your need to use the bathroom) really that urgent? Also, anytime there is more than one person in a stall I don’t want to even think about it. Or when you see someone doing something just a little off for the grocery store bathroom, like changing pants or brushing their teeth?

What it makes me think/feel: Like I’ll never understand the culture of a public bathroom. What about being in a little cell makes you want to write your name and who you hate on the wall? Would you do that in a cubicle? And why can’t they just close us all the way in, my feet feel so awkward when you’re looking at them under the two foot gap from the floor to the stall’s door. But hey, I guess we should just be thankful that our public bathrooms have toilets in them. And it could always be worse, we could be cleaning them!

A Review of Having a Boyfriend

I'm going out of town this weekend with the fam, so there will be no more reviews until Monday. Just giving you a heads up so you don't get really mad at me. But you're in for a treat, because this might be my favorite review so far.

Things I like: It's nice to have someone that is required to listen to what you have to say, think, and feel. And at least smile at you when your jokes aren't funny (we all want to believe our Bill Cosby impressions are spot on). And sometimes it's good for your confidence to be comfortable enough around someone that they think it's okay to tell you you're crazy and annoying (I still believe your rendition of the Star Spangled Banner really did sound better in the shower). Hopefully he at least gives good hugs though.

Someone notices your unmentionables besides yourself (for better or worse). And it gives you lots of opportunities to say "don't mention those" whenever they're seen, even in the hamper (I do it all the time).

TV shows are always funnier when someone is watching with you. Movies are always better. Music is more exciting. Going out to eat is more enjoyable (unless you date one of those guys who tries to order everything with a fake accent, or who schmoozes [real word, looked it up] with the waiter. In that case it's just more awkward). Getting drunk is less humiliating (at least slightly, or aimed at a smaller audience). And there's always a better excuse to eat ice cream.

What I would change: There's a lot less time for Gossip Girl, plucking your eyebrows, doing Napoleon Dynamite impressions with your sister, and making up new dance routines. Or at least less opprotunity to partake in these activities without enduring harassment and subsequent self hate and humiliation.

Having a boyfriend (or girlfriend) gives some people the false sense that it's okay to call another person "honey". Even though some girl had that name in a movie (I think it was Jessica Alba), it's still not okay. Honey is sticky and comes out of bee's butts (I think). Any other pet name is better (even shnukums). But I'll be hoenst, first names usually work best. Even when you're in love.

They realize that when they fart in front of you, you laugh. While you're still grossed out and finding it compteletly unattractive, you still can't help giggling like a school girl. It gets old, really fast. But you're still laughing. Hey, farts are funny.

Your entire concept of personal space, and more importantly, your bathroom routine is a disaster. Not only do you not want him to hear you pee or see the weird face you make when you're putting on mascara, but god forbid there was anything else girls did in the bathroom besides pee (which I still deny actually ever happens, but if it did) it would create a borderline unbearable situation (almost enough to make you wish you were single). Invited to spend the night? Maybe. A whole weekend? I'll have to stop by my house mid-weekend to get...a change of shoes. Sharing a hotel room for a long period of time when you've first started dating? Out of the question. Especially if you have major poop anxiety (which my early research estimates effects about 60% of girls).

What it makes me think/feel: Like relationships are weird things. Sometimes it feels like no one should know that much about you (and to be honest, he/she probably doesn't want to know everything. Especially family jokes from your kindergarten vacation, or what days you lost your teeth and how much the tooth fairy brought, or even the fact that you weren't potty trained until mid way through 5th grade). Some things are better left unsaid. But all that said, having a boyfriend can be great. And I'm lucky to have one who really does listen and care (and is honest enough to tell me there are certain things I'll never be able to do, like be a professional boxer).

A Review of Family Gatherings

We've all got to go to them, at least once or twice a year. I personally love them, even when they go wrong. And just look at that cute family photo. It's clearly not my family (I've got a sister, not a brother. But that little girl is close to my height). I found it on Google images.

Things I like: They have the potential to be a good time. I mean, some are just recipes for success: Christmas (a tree indoors, a fat man, and tons of presents!), Thanksgiving (massive amounts of food and shameless eating all day, at least 3 kinds of pie). But it's the family events that don't come with door prizes you need to be more worried about.

Family events allow you to reestablish and redivide into family cliques(tribes). The kids table will always be the kids table, and good ole' Uncle Paul will always be in the clique with the stuffed animals and the dog (come on, everyone's got a sleazy uncle whom no one wants at their table).

They are a place to reveal otherwise boring and unimportant information and have people pretend like they care. Or to reveal huge, very important information and have people tell you you're crazy (families judge).

Things I would change: There is always, always an awkward silence (usually more than one). That's when it's good to have a baby or a pet around, because you can just pretend like you were enamored in their cuteness. Or make a comment about it to break the silence. "She just loves her little toes, huh?" or "to think, someday she'll probably get arrested".

If it's a family event of a family not your own, it's a while different ballgame; your true emotions must never be shown. If you're mad, you're happy! If you want to argue back, you can't, just act happy! Hungover? Act Happy! Scared of aforementioned creepy uncle? Happy, Happy, Happy! Whereas if it's your own family, everyone has a free pass (and does) act an exaggerated version of whatever their feeling (and it's usually never happy). You're mad, start yelling/throwing! You're hungover, start throwing up and claiming date rape. Scared of the creepy Uncle? Ask grandma about the family secrets (and then don't keep them). Drama, Drama, Drama.

What it makes me think/feel: That there will always be expectations at family events (and no holds barred grandmas to tell us when we haven't met them). There will probably be cheesy, forced photos, and the creepy uncle will probably try and go for the awkward kiss on the cheek (and the lips if you're a friend of the family). But most importantly there will be all kinds of crazy, unconditional love (or else you should probably call DCF).

A Review of Cooking

I'm not very good at it, but I know how to follow directions so I can get by. Baking is more my style. But cooking helps to give people a cultural identity (or a reason to be really mad when you assume they like food from that cultural group).

Things I like: There is a correlation between age and cooking that is seen in few other things. Your age compared to your cooking skills directly relates to how cool you are. A little kid cooking? Cute! A young adult that cooks seems refined. But an adult that cooks? Expected. If you're over 30 and can't at least cook some chicken and rice than you're lacking basic survival skills.

There is an entire television channel devoted to it. But, they have to disguise it by calling it the FOOD network so dudes don't feel weird watching it, and so they don't have to make excuses for putting things like eating contests on there where the actual cooking part is least important. It's really the only domestic activity that could pull off having its own show, let alone channel. The laundry network doesn't really have the same ring. I'm sure the housekeeping network may get a few early followers (weird dudes with high hopes) but once they realized the girls weren't in maids outfits and that cleaning is kind of gross, they'd probably give up. Now that I think of it, gardening has a few shows. But lets be honest, are they serious? No, I don't care how beautiful and big our hydrangeas grew, I'm going to flip back and see who can eat an 8 pound burger in under and hour.


Things I would change: It takes a million ingredients to make anything (if you use any recipe besides boring white people classics). I think this is why frying is so popular. "No I can't find soy paste or llamas milk. Just throw the darn thing in the deep fryer!"

It's one of the only activities in which its often cheaper, and almost always better, to pay someone to do it for you. Which takes some of the fun out of doing it. Unless you're one of those dumb people who goes out and buys the $12 dollar PB&J from Panera, or the $16 salad with no dressing, cheese, croutons, or anything not green, in which case you're just wasting your money (I'm guilty of this).

And finally, cooking is dangerous! Fires, burns, explosions, amputations! Just think of all the threats. Anything requiring fire and knives should require some sort of training badge first. There are people in this world who should never try.

What it makes me think/feel: It makes me think that we've come a long way from the days of hunting and gathering, when a feast was a giant piece of cattle. And thank god for that. Look how great our population has turned out now that we've introduced the french fry, and people are so desperate for grapes all year round they'll ship them across the world. These things are certainly better for our bodies and environments.

A Review of Airplanes

Because I recently flew on one, and they've been all over the news lately (that part isn't funny), I think they merit a review. I mean, they're pretty big.

Things I like: They're fast! Much more efficient than road tripping, and they don't require countless mix tapes or ridiculous car games. I never understood playing "I see, with my little eye...something red". You do realize you are moving? If it isn't something within the car, it's pointless. And if you actually picked something inside the car, you're lame. The game is doomed. And people spend more time trying to explain the latest car game than they actually do playing it (and twice longer than that explaining why it really is fun and was better the 1st time they played). Planes let you avoid all that. You don't even have to talk, it even kind of hurts your ears a little to try and listen.

There's always a small chance you'll survive a plane crash and end up on a mysterious, supernatural island. Or hey, you might at least run into a celebrity at the airport. There is also the chance that you will meet someone new, interesting, and cool. Or at least useful to you in the future (I'd use the term networking here, but I think it's really lame. I picture business men standing in a circle holding hands). But the chances are better that you'll meet a smelly, old, overweight accountant who wants to tell you how all of his 14 cats got their names (don't get me wrong, I love cats. But I don't want to sit next to that guy on a plane).

I also appreciate the fact that they look like giant birds, which is sort of fun if you're pretending to be in a movie (I hope I'm not the only one who didn't grow out of that phase yet).

Things I would change: You usually have to pay extra for your in flight snack (except on Jetblue). There was always something rewarding about the "free" club soda (don't you love when people use quotation marks like that. Like it's an inside joke or something. "oh, it's not really free because of tickets and fees and stuff, I get it". How clever). But it used to be nice to get your soda, crackers, or mini bag of pretzels. Like a little prize for paying hundreds of dollars to be in extremely close proximity to strangers in an environment in which your head may explode. A reward for not freaking out, or doing anything publicly unacceptable (or smelly).

I also don't enjoy the instructional safety demonstration. Which is a little unsettling because in the past we've usually only practiced drills when there was an imminent threat (duck and cover, tornado drills during hurricane season, etc). The worst past is that everyone tunes out except for me, but that's because I'm under the impression that knowing how to die safely and in an orderly fashion may be of great importance someday. When the time comes, I'll bet you wish you'd practiced.

The turbulence always, always waits until you finally get up to use the bathroom (even though you've been waiting for an hour for the right time). As soon as you shut the door, the shaking starts. It's like the pilot knows and wants to play into your fear of dying with your pants down.

What it makes me think/feel: Like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. If all things point to crazy, maybe it is. But at the same time, a plane is better than a car, train, or bus in the following ways: Less likelihood of flat tires, greater number of occupants, wings > anything without wings, planes are the only one that flies (literally), attendants help and reassure you, no possibility for backseat drivers (these days, a backseat drive in a plane gets shot), two or more engines vs. one mini engine, no speeding tickets. And finally, snakes on a bus, snakes in a car? Nothing compares to snakes on a plane! It clearly trumps the other options.

A Review of Water Parks

I guess in theory, water parks sound like a good idea. They're certainly a success around Central Florida (except for that extra gross one Water Mania that closed down). But the more I think about them, the weirder they seem. Any place where there's more than a 25% chance you'll see a little floating turd, shouldn't be swam (swum?) in.

Things I like: First and foremost, they're full of tourists. And tourists are almost always fun (unless you work retail). Especially at water parks. Your big camera is probably not waterproof though, just a heads up. You're going to have to get someone else to take the photo of you and your kids in matching Speedos! Also, there's the big people, small tube equation that can be fun for observation (but depressing after a little while). It's also kind of fun that the whole place smells like sunscreen. So, if enough people buy the expensive brands, you start feeling like you're somewhere exotic (not off the side of I-drive).

The water also smells a lot like chlorine, which gives you a false sense of being clean. With enough chlorine, the wave pool is really just a giant human washing machine full of bleach (it's a mystery why everyone comes out red instead of white). At least we're high quality enough to air dry.

Things I would change: The slides are usually pretty fun, but they make me pretty uneasy. First of all, they usually do not surround you, many of them are open on the top leaving a lot of room to slide right over the edge and into the fake grass 100 ft. below. And any theme park made out of a majority of plastic doesn't sound quite right to me. Would you ride a carnival ride made of plastic (it doesn't matter how thick)? And in addition, your vehicle for travel down the plastic ride? Made mostly of air! All this seems a recipe for disaster.

Not to mention, they're gross. Really gross. I love watching all the cute little kiddies floating around in their little poofy skirted bathing suits with sewn in flotation devices and all. But those little poofy skirts are covering up their diapers. And I don't like to think about what that really means. They're wearing diapers in the water. And I bet more kids (and adults) have peed in the water than have ever peed in those little potty training toilets.

Worst of all, I'd rather see vomit, rats, and three dead bodies in the pool than a floating Band-Aid in the lazy river. It's the absolute worst.

What it makes me think/feel: Sticky, sweaty, chafed, and running away in terror of scabby little kids and their creepier parents. And happy there is such a thing as a private pool.

Just a head up, if you add an extra f to the word chafed (chaffed), it then means to mock, tease, or jest in a good-natured way. Nothing good-natured about the other meaning.

A Review of Sporting Events

Clap, Clap, Clap, Clap your hands. I still refuse to believe there is a person inside the mascot costume (but now I at least go for more than the ice cream cone).

Things I like: They’re fun almost always, and being at them is far superior to just watching on TV. Mainly because when you watch on TV it is usually just as stressful and intense, however it isn’t publicly acceptable to scream at the top of your lungs, clap and stomp to a beat, cheer vulgar songs, and bang plastic tubes together. Unless you’re just home watching with the dog (but he’ll probably pee on your carpet because he’s so scared).

But really, acting insane is half the fun of being at a sporting event (the other half being the fact that you’re actually at a sporting event). You can just follow animal instincts and use loud sounds and body movements to deal with and express all of your emotions. I just hope people remember this behavior doesn’t translate well into other spheres of your life. Your boss will never think it’s funny when you BOOO a new client (even if he doesn’t make his free throws).

They’re also really the only place where it is encouraged to hate people who are different (at least the only place in which the president isn’t afraid to be a part of). Wearing a different jersey, the wrong hat? Good luck getting to your seat, it's like a whole new level of discrimination.

Things I would change: I could do without the fact that it gives dudes such a false sense of manhood, taking high fives to a whole new level, chest bumping, too much beer, etc. No, it’s not okay to throw peanuts at the guy three rows down. Even if you think you can take him. You wouldn’t see a guy a few seats over on the subway and start throwing paper balls from the New York Times at him. Even if he’s wearing a pink shirt!

Also, it’s a little embarrassing how desperate people act for a free T shirt (it’s going to be an extra large and will never shrink enough to fit you), or for a free ice cream or slice of pizza (you’re probably already enjoying some nachos anyway). You see people jumping up and down, waving their arms and screaming as if this one item will turn their misfortune around. If you are really that desperate for a giant white shirt, you probably should have saved the 12 dollars you spent on your nose bleed seats and bought your kids some rice.

There is always a lame person with a microphone and cheesy suit walking around the stadium/arena talking to fans and trying to get everyone pumped up. Or leading ridiculous games (I think I’d rather watch the commercials). You can totally tell he/she thinks (wants to believe) everyone is really cheering for them instead of the team (I’m sorry you never made the lacrosse team).

What it makes me think/feel: Always worried that someone is going to start the wave. It causes a lot of anxiety. I don’t want to stand up in the middle of a good play, and I don’t want everyone around me to stand up and block my view of the good play. Why do you always wait until the last 5 minutes of the game to try and start it? It’s always two dudes (the only two who actually haven’t been drinking, and really came to the game in hopes of “being the guys who started the wave”), and they won’t give it up. Let me just throw this out there, although you may think it looks cool, the players aren’t watching.