A Review of Water Parks

I guess in theory, water parks sound like a good idea. They're certainly a success around Central Florida (except for that extra gross one Water Mania that closed down). But the more I think about them, the weirder they seem. Any place where there's more than a 25% chance you'll see a little floating turd, shouldn't be swam (swum?) in.

Things I like: First and foremost, they're full of tourists. And tourists are almost always fun (unless you work retail). Especially at water parks. Your big camera is probably not waterproof though, just a heads up. You're going to have to get someone else to take the photo of you and your kids in matching Speedos! Also, there's the big people, small tube equation that can be fun for observation (but depressing after a little while). It's also kind of fun that the whole place smells like sunscreen. So, if enough people buy the expensive brands, you start feeling like you're somewhere exotic (not off the side of I-drive).

The water also smells a lot like chlorine, which gives you a false sense of being clean. With enough chlorine, the wave pool is really just a giant human washing machine full of bleach (it's a mystery why everyone comes out red instead of white). At least we're high quality enough to air dry.

Things I would change: The slides are usually pretty fun, but they make me pretty uneasy. First of all, they usually do not surround you, many of them are open on the top leaving a lot of room to slide right over the edge and into the fake grass 100 ft. below. And any theme park made out of a majority of plastic doesn't sound quite right to me. Would you ride a carnival ride made of plastic (it doesn't matter how thick)? And in addition, your vehicle for travel down the plastic ride? Made mostly of air! All this seems a recipe for disaster.

Not to mention, they're gross. Really gross. I love watching all the cute little kiddies floating around in their little poofy skirted bathing suits with sewn in flotation devices and all. But those little poofy skirts are covering up their diapers. And I don't like to think about what that really means. They're wearing diapers in the water. And I bet more kids (and adults) have peed in the water than have ever peed in those little potty training toilets.

Worst of all, I'd rather see vomit, rats, and three dead bodies in the pool than a floating Band-Aid in the lazy river. It's the absolute worst.

What it makes me think/feel: Sticky, sweaty, chafed, and running away in terror of scabby little kids and their creepier parents. And happy there is such a thing as a private pool.

Just a head up, if you add an extra f to the word chafed (chaffed), it then means to mock, tease, or jest in a good-natured way. Nothing good-natured about the other meaning.