A Review of Airplanes

Because I recently flew on one, and they've been all over the news lately (that part isn't funny), I think they merit a review. I mean, they're pretty big.

Things I like: They're fast! Much more efficient than road tripping, and they don't require countless mix tapes or ridiculous car games. I never understood playing "I see, with my little eye...something red". You do realize you are moving? If it isn't something within the car, it's pointless. And if you actually picked something inside the car, you're lame. The game is doomed. And people spend more time trying to explain the latest car game than they actually do playing it (and twice longer than that explaining why it really is fun and was better the 1st time they played). Planes let you avoid all that. You don't even have to talk, it even kind of hurts your ears a little to try and listen.

There's always a small chance you'll survive a plane crash and end up on a mysterious, supernatural island. Or hey, you might at least run into a celebrity at the airport. There is also the chance that you will meet someone new, interesting, and cool. Or at least useful to you in the future (I'd use the term networking here, but I think it's really lame. I picture business men standing in a circle holding hands). But the chances are better that you'll meet a smelly, old, overweight accountant who wants to tell you how all of his 14 cats got their names (don't get me wrong, I love cats. But I don't want to sit next to that guy on a plane).

I also appreciate the fact that they look like giant birds, which is sort of fun if you're pretending to be in a movie (I hope I'm not the only one who didn't grow out of that phase yet).

Things I would change: You usually have to pay extra for your in flight snack (except on Jetblue). There was always something rewarding about the "free" club soda (don't you love when people use quotation marks like that. Like it's an inside joke or something. "oh, it's not really free because of tickets and fees and stuff, I get it". How clever). But it used to be nice to get your soda, crackers, or mini bag of pretzels. Like a little prize for paying hundreds of dollars to be in extremely close proximity to strangers in an environment in which your head may explode. A reward for not freaking out, or doing anything publicly unacceptable (or smelly).

I also don't enjoy the instructional safety demonstration. Which is a little unsettling because in the past we've usually only practiced drills when there was an imminent threat (duck and cover, tornado drills during hurricane season, etc). The worst past is that everyone tunes out except for me, but that's because I'm under the impression that knowing how to die safely and in an orderly fashion may be of great importance someday. When the time comes, I'll bet you wish you'd practiced.

The turbulence always, always waits until you finally get up to use the bathroom (even though you've been waiting for an hour for the right time). As soon as you shut the door, the shaking starts. It's like the pilot knows and wants to play into your fear of dying with your pants down.

What it makes me think/feel: Like I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing. If all things point to crazy, maybe it is. But at the same time, a plane is better than a car, train, or bus in the following ways: Less likelihood of flat tires, greater number of occupants, wings > anything without wings, planes are the only one that flies (literally), attendants help and reassure you, no possibility for backseat drivers (these days, a backseat drive in a plane gets shot), two or more engines vs. one mini engine, no speeding tickets. And finally, snakes on a bus, snakes in a car? Nothing compares to snakes on a plane! It clearly trumps the other options.