What do you call a fish with no eyes? FSH (say it out loud). Weird animal, isn’t it? The only animal I can think of that we eat, keep as pets, make into trophies, hook and release, tickle, and use as interior decoration. All this, and they can’t even breathe air.
Things I like: I enjoy the taste of fish, I’ll be honest. So a definite thing I like about them is that when alive, they don’t make facial expressions, so they’re easier to eat than most animals. It’s hard to be cute when you’re underwater, can’t smile, and have weird eyes and no legs. No fish are cute, and if by chance they are, they’re too small to eat, so I’m not concerned.
They’re very trusting and have a strong faith system. They don’t seem very afraid of sharks and they clearly should be. And why else would they always think they’re just the lucky chosen one to get the floating plastic worm, or the shrimp or minnow? For that split second though, hunting for food must seem really easy. “Oh look, a gift from
Things I don’t like: They are so weird. Gills, fins, bug eyes, scales? What are those things? Well, I know what bug eyes are, some humans even have those.
I also have a problem with how they smell when they’re not swimming; so gross once they come up from underwater. And for some reason no matter where you work, there’s the one person who thinks it’s okay to heat fish up in the 1980’s microwave in the break room. It’s not okay. Even on your birthday. Or after a weekend fishing trip with the guys. And this always prompts a few other employees to keep asking each other “What’s that smell?” which is almost as irritating as the person cooking the fish in the first place. What do you think that smell is? Clearly Mary from accounting didn’t see the NO FISH I wrote up under the NO SMOKING sign.
There are a few too many varieties and it becomes very hard to keep up with. Fighting fish (the ones with anger management issues who can’t make friends), Gold (the wealthy ones with short life spans), Tuna (the ones that don’t look quite right and come in a can), blow (the ones with drug problems), clown (the creepy sideshow ones that show up uninvited to birthday parties), and rainbow (the proud ones that have their own day at Disney).
What it makes me think/feel: I think what they really need to breed is Social Worker fish, because they seem like a very complicated bunch. And for all that traveling in schools they do, they don’t seem very smart.
The word "fish" is especially weird in English because we don't distinguish between creature and cuisine (yeah, you liked those double Cs, didn't you?). Like, in Spanish a live fish is "pez", but the fish you eat is "pescado". Is this some sort of cognitive dissonance mechanism? Would a linguistic separation between fish and plate make you more comfortable?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, you're awesome and these reviews have made me chuckle. I would love even more for you to memorize them and perform them, spoken word-style. Have you ever heard of the Moth storytelling collective? I think you'd be into it: www.themoth.org.
I do think a distinction would help me to rest more easily. If that were the case, maybe the things I like section would have surpassed the things I'd change.
ReplyDeleteI think your suggestion is a good one, I'll begin working on memorization. You know, I do have a high school theater background. I could just record them and post the audio on my blog, I think that would make my illiterate followers happy as well.
I'm checking out that website now, it looks pretty cool, thanks! I see they have a Podcast! And of course I'm proud of your double C's (sounds like boobs).
Love your blog. Had me at the opening line about Fish with no I's....
ReplyDeleteJohn
Some species of fish do breath air. The technique is refered to as 'air gulping'.
ReplyDeleteFun Fish Fact: 1 fish or many fish of the same species are 'fish'. However, 2 or more fish of different species are fishes.
-Travis
Former Aquatic Biologist
Oh my goodness, I'm so glad you explained the difference between fish and fishes! I almost had a whole section about it in my review! I remember in Elementary school we were never allowed to write fishes no matter what the case, and then I was in for a shock when middle schoolers had made the switch to a different form of plural!
ReplyDeleteAir gulping sounds painful. I know I could water gulp underwater, but I don't think I'd call it breathing.
And Jeve, you've got such a great celebrity couple name! And thanks for the compliment, much appreciated.